As you know pregnancy is a time of rainbows and butterflies. Every morning when I wake up bluebirds fly around me and I get out of bed filled with the joy of living and singing a cheerful song. That's just the way it is. It's science.
Except for the grumpiness. Oh man, am I grumpy. If a bluebird tried to sing me a chirpy song right now I'd I'd probably rip its wings right off. Or just glare at it irritably.
Have you noticed how every pregnant celebrity is like this: I just love being pregnant. I'm at one with nature, all earth-goddessy. Now I really know what's it's like to be a woman. Before I got pregnant I only knew what it is like to be a small Holden Barina but here I am an actual woman. I love it so much I wake up singing songs from Doris Day musicals. I'm so happy I'm vomiting rainbows. Because I am a woman at last.
Whereas here is me, pregnant: I hate everything. I don't vomit rainbows. I vomit actual real vomit. All the time. And I don't like it. Someone please tell me how to get a proper night's sleep and for God's sake take these bluebirds away, they're driving me mad.
Things that have annoyed me this week:
My haircut. I'm starting to think it makes me look like a mushroom. A grumpy one. Here, you decide:
Below, a picture of a mushroom:
And a picture of me, surrounded by puppies and unicorns:
See? Virtually identical. I have mushroom hair. It's only a matter of time before I'm mistaken for a salad.
Other annoying things:
Every store that arranges its stock too close together for my monster-sized pram to get through. And all the people who block my way standing around gormlessly blocking every aisle and walkway. It's hard to contemplate moving two inches to the left, isn't ? Much better to park yourself right in the middle there, splayed out like a big annoying starfish. And why not stand at the exit to escalators while you think deep thoughts? Great idea. That's probably where Einstein came up with the theory of relativity - blocking the escalator at his local Westfield while a woman with a pram fumed silently at him. No problem. I'll just stand here patiently until you've finished.
ABC For Kids. That Jimmy Giggle. Suspiciously perky. Also drives a car made of cardboard for no good reason.
The man who just found someone whale vomit worth 65000. I look like a whale yet if I tried to sell my vomit I would be treated like a fool. The unfairness of it!
The pop-up ad that just appeared on my computer for online dating. For God's sake! If I wanted to look at a doofus with a speech bubble saying "Come to Papa!" I'd turn on 7mate! Go away!
Those charity people who try to sign everyone up for direct debits. Look, if I'd wanted to funnel vast sums of money to your charity I would probably have organised that before now. I am old, I've had enough time to do it. What I wouldn't have done is wait around for the happy day when backpacker wearing a logo-ed t-shirt and holding a clipboard approaches me and asks if I "like puppies".
This headache I've had for three days.
The kitchen. For repeatedly failing to clean itself despite constant encouragement from me.
I think that's it. I'll be back with a less irritable post. As soon I've deal with this mushroom hair and all these unicorns. Unicorn pie, anyone?